23 things you will probably encounter whilst out on a family outing where you meet mutual friends who are also meeting you there with their family.

  • You greet each other’s babies, toddlers and children first, instantly ignoring your friends of decades. Friends no longer exist on these trips. It is about the babies, toddlers and children.
  • You take group photos of these babies, toddlers and children in the hope they all smile at the same time and say cheese. They don’t. One is asleep; one is looking to the left; one is confused, and one is going through the early stages of a meltdown.
  • You begin chatting to your friend; you temporarily forget their name; you have a brief catch-up and talk about regular things. One eye is on your daughter who is brewing and mummy is talking to another mutual friend. You leave your friend half way through the conversation to tend to baby. You never get back to resuming the conversation. It never happened. Friends do not exist during these family trips. It is about the babies, toddlers and children.
  • Daughter calms down with a food bribe. All babies, toddlers and children are subsequently intermittently fed up to 4 tonnes of crisps, chocolate and rusks. Resulting in a 740% rise in sugar and salt intake. Blood sugar levels are now dangerously high. But babies remain quiet and more importantly, within the confines of their prams or pushchairs.
  • You attempt to talk to your friend again but forget what you were talking about previously.
  • You play pass the parcel baby-style and end up carrying someone else’s baby. That baby looks at you with a, “who the f**k are you”, type of look.
  • Daughter decides she no longer wants to sit in the push chair. She slides her way down the seating area with her arms in the air. She is set free.
  • Daddy leaves his friend again and the unknown conversation, to walk beside daughter – who now wants to explore this new world.
  • Baby waddles her way through the crowds – attracting smiles and lovely comments from others. She ignores the smiles and comments as she is concentrating on walking to an area no-one else is.
  • You pick daughter up as she is getting in people’s way. She doesn’t like the idea. You take her back to where your friends are and attempt to put her back in to her pushchair.
  • She doesn’t go back in to the pushchair. Instead – her legs go stiff, refusing to bend, her arms violently raise to above her head to make it nigh on impossible to buckle her in. She wins that battle.
  • Mummy’s turn to walk with daughter.
  • Daddy finds his friend to resume or start another conversation. “So, when we….”. You notice your daughter’s boot has fallen off and have to leave the conversation to give it to mummy to put on daughter.
  • You need a wee.
  • You regain your composure and breathe. You forget the reason you are there. Everything is a blur. Everything is spinning.
  • You try and find your family but mummy has decided to move somewhere else. You think about ringing the Police to report a missing mummy and daughter.
  • Whilst trying to find mummy and daughter you pass all of these wonderful looking foods – you soon realise you do not have the time, enough hands or the energy to buy anything for yourself. You buy a shortbread for your daughter. Which then is almost swiped out of your hands by a passing dog.
  • You forget that you are there to celebrate your friend’s daughter’s first birthday; you also forget to take in the Christmas atmosphere of the fair.
  • All eyes are on the friends’ babies, toddlers and children – you forget you are married or you have friends. Friends and partners no longer exist on these trips. It is about the babies, toddlers and children.
  • Your Wife is now your official tag-team wrestling partner for the duration – the scenes soon turn to a full blown Royal Rumble.
  • As you and your Wife stumble back to your car with daughter in tow; your right arm is in need of amputation; your back has finally lost patience with you and you realise your Wife parked the car an un-necessary huge distance from where the Christmas fair took place.
  • You ‘Google’, local arm specialists and chiropractors.
  • You get back to the car and forget you have the extra car-seat, unused bags of clothes and a fake Christmas tree in the car and realise you have to still fit in two adult humans, a small human and a push chair somewhere.
A Mixed Camera Pose  From The Babies, Toddlers and Children