Baby, daddy and mummy decide to soldier on without the forgotten buggy. (See Part 1 for back story).

…And so we all warily make our way inside the busy mall…daddy carrying baby in his arms. You are a daddy, your arms will be fine.

No they will not.

First shop entered and things appear to be going along swimmingly – mummy has her eyes and hands on a few pieces of clothing. Daddy is soon regretting the idea of carrying baby around a shopping mall. His arms begin to twitch with a slight niggle. They also begin to shake violently; followed by further, intermittent twitching. Three minutes later they seize up and end up allowing baby to walk.


This is music to baby’s ears as this is her passport to explore her little world. Being 15-months-old, she is in the early stages of walking confidently – she can walk/waddle and is improving every day. Baby walks toward the shop exit – cue daddy picking up baby. Baby immediately requests to be put down by shifting in daddy’s arms and points to the ground. Down she goes. She walks in the opposite direction to mummy. Not even bothered to check to see whether daddy is following her to keep her safe. She is on a mission to drain daddy’s energy levels and to break his back. She has waited for this moment since birth.

She heads for the exit again.

Pick up baby for the second time.

Search for mummy, but can’t find mummy. Baby wants to get back down to resume her walk. She resumes her walk. Her eyes catch glimpses of items on shelves and decides to pick up some socks. With the socks in her hands she heads toward the exit. My 15-month-old is attempting to shoplift. Daddy contemplates calling security over to de-escalate the situation. Instead he picks her up for the third time.

For the seven or eight subsequent shops you just need to copy and paste the previous two paragraphs and re-read, but add another 231 times to the amount of times daddy picks up baby.

Daddy’s back seizes up and the paramedics are called as are the police to arrest baby on suspicion of shoplifting men’s deodorant.

Baby is due to attend a hearing at Baby Magistrates Court next week.