“The toy phone you gave me doesn’t actually work or do anything. It doesn’t look anything like yours or mummy’s phone – it’s cheap; none of the numbers actually do anything; I can’t dial out; I can’t receive calls or texts, I can’t get 4G anywhere; no Wifi; no camera; no touchscreen; no Facebook, and it has this permanent annoying picture of a dog grinning. All I can do is put it up against my ear and hear you idiots say, “aww, look she’s putting it up against her ear”, or watching you parents pretending to be having a telephone conversation with me via your phones when we are in the same bloody room. “Hello? Hello? Yes it is for you, baby”, is a regular annoying sentence I hear you say when I find the know-how to put the fake phone up against my ear. I want to be able to do something constructive with it. Why the hell would you buy this for me? It’s crap”.