A baby’s bib is basically a baby equivalent of a McAfee Anti-Virus for your computer – it acts as protection from unwelcome foods breaching and setting up camp on baby’s new white dress, thus causing unnecessary unrest to mummy. Its barrier protection is simple: to re-redirect all possible threats in to a pouch – a pouch which is skilfully sculpted on to said, bib. The pouch is basically a spam folder.

These threats are food stuffs which arrive from all directions — they can arrive from baby’s cutlery, their fingers, or their mouth. The bib’s redirection programme (or firewall), is very quick to analyse the potential breach of security by quickly transmitting the refused food stuffs in to the pouch (spam folder).

This pouch is not a nice place, however. Nope.

When daddy takes the bib off of baby, he stops for a moment to stare in to the depths of the pouch; he is suddenly greeted with a complete and utter mess. He needs to empty and clean the bib, but soon realises the content of the bib’s pouch resembles a cesspit.

It is a pit of shit. Not literally. But it may as well be. Baby was only given chopped up chicken and sweet potato for dinner, so why do the contents resemble slushy, mashed up shit?  SHE ONLY HAD CHOPPED UP CHICKEN AND SWEET POTATO FOR DINNER!

And besides, baby’s bib has been breached. There is now a bright orange stain on her new white dress. The bib was relatively expensive and offered a lot more than other bibs. Her white dress was also expensive.

Cue mummy to begin full system scan of baby.